i miss HIM ! :|

I miss him. Sometimes the true tragedy in life is getting what you want. Or at least we trick ourselves into thinking it is what we want. That's the true tragedy in life. Not death, not losing, not NOT getting our way. It's when we get what we want and then realize how wrong we were.

That's where I'm at now.

My life just feels blah. Kind of brown. Not a nice rich sienna brown, or a deep, full chocolate brown. It's more like an accidental brown. The kind of brown you get on accident when you've mixed too many sorts together on your canvas without waiting for stuff to dry. Accidental brown. I should call Crayola ...
Sometimes I think I'm doing great until I stumble across something that I'd love to tell him about. Something to engage in conversation in because I know he would have the most entertaining things to say. I try to talk about these things with other people but it isn't the same. It's the void that comes when you realize how much you miss your best friend.
I am accidental brown when things slow down for a second and I start to wish I felt the way that only being with my best of the best friends can make me feel. I have yet to find anywhere else in the world that can make me feel that particular way — and God I've been trying — but the only place is with him.

I know it can't work right now. I know that we need to just let sleeping dogs lie. I know this. I know this is what I wanted and I know that I have nobody to blame except myself and my angsty 16-year-old-ness. It doesn't mean I don't miss him like hell. I miss the long phone conversations, the long Sunday afternoons cuddled in bed while we were drinking my favorite liquior. I miss walking across road holding his hand. I miss sneaking a kiss in the newsroom and I miss laying my head on his shoulder in my bed.

And i miss, everytime he said, "I Love You, more as my friend!", and it is so love to hear that.